Sunday, April 17, 2011

Onward We Happily Trudge

Yesterday "physically" went well...everything on the outside seemed ok...well, less that little tornado scare.   Inspite of reality being as lovely as it was the day before, my head was turning itself sideways.  Current events have caused me to look back at some really really hard times in my not too distant past, things I'd accepted, moved through, and was completely done with.  Still there were those past emotions...the feelings of being scared, unprepared, angry, less-than, broken, crazy, lonely, and overwhelmed.  There was a time when my feelings, running away from my feelings, being terrified of feeling my feelings, drove me to some very self destructive behaviors.  Over the years and with a lot of help, I've learned to talk to someone I trust, accept the uncomfortable emotions, and pray the serenity prayer.  So instead of yesterday being a disaster, I talked to my husband about all the messiness in my head and felt a little better.  Today I'm still feeling a little sad about what happened in my life years before...but it's not a pity sad, just a gentle grieving. Recognizing what I lost, but simultaneously being reminded that I'm a more compassionate and stronger person for my struggles. And with years of hard work, of not backing down or running away, years of looking at my problems, and being willing to live in the solutions, my life today is really good.

So onward I happily trudge, just like all those other people out there who have faced similar struggles.  I'm choosing to love myself and all the challenges that have made me who I am.